


petrichor

by The Hufflepunkest (Hufflepunk00)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Arguing, First War with Voldemort, M/M, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Pre-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Second War with Voldemort, They need a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:54:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23700406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hufflepunk00/pseuds/The%20Hufflepunkest
Summary: Whenever they didn't know how talk, they would scream.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	petrichor

**Author's Note:**

> so hi guys this is my first english fanfic and tbh i'm fucking nervous XD this is a translation from one of my original works and even if my english for sure isn't perfect i hope you're gonna like it?? pls let me know!!
> 
> petrichor - the smell after the rain

It’s not like he wouldn’t know how to fight without him. Sometimes he just thought that if it wasn’t for him, he would never find the strength to fight at all. Even if usually it meant fighting him.

*

The first time the thought about Sirius’ betrayal struck him as something real, he couldn’t quite force himself to face his lover for the entire day. The morning was bright and hopeful but before the dawn there came the night, always long and lonely, with cold ghost of someone else’s presence as his only company. The war has been merciless for months and there were more and more days Sirius couldn’t be next to him. Lonely nights have been crushing his heart, making him believe in unthinkable when all they needed was reliance.

It was hard to trust the closest friends when all they did - what all of them have been doing for the past year - was hide their own faces from the world someone had built for them, hoping they would get to see the world they once knew. In moments like these it was easy for something that reminded him so much of burning hatred to sneak into his heart and break the brittle bonds he created. 

At the same time, it was hard to remember why he hated Sirius Black so much when he finally stood right in front of him with everything he has ever loved about him.

It’s not like he didn’t want to let himself be happy just because Sirius was there. Back home he was safe and sound, and honestly, what was there more to wish for? He didn’t plan to start a fire he was unable to control. Even so, before he could even think about it, he was throwing all his doubts and suspicions at him with accusing tone and the fire was already there. He couldn’t tell when exactly they both started yelling at each other.

“What is it this time?” Sirius’s silent voice, so different from the raised cry still echoing in the small space between them, sounded almost as if it didn’t belong to him at all. It wandered around the narrow halls and corners, ringing in their ears, hissing like a snake hidden in their minds. “What do you need now, Remus? Is it time? Space? To be alone?”

Remus hated himself for how easily the words that the only thing he really needed right now was Sirius, even if he was the traitor, came to his mind. 

“You know I could never say ‘no’ to you. You know perfectly I would give everything and do anything for you. Fuck, Moony…”

He looked away before Padfoot’s voice broke, as if his words couldn’t stand the weight of the feelings carried with them. Something in his sorrow has been giving him comfort and that was probably the same thing that made his vision turn red.

“If that’s what you want…” said Black finally, with the same voice he used earlier to make his heart bleed. His hand stopped before it pushed the door and Remus almost panicked, realizing Sirius is looking at him, straight into his soul, waiting for the answer, but he still couldn’t bring himself to say the right words.

“It must be pleasant, no? To find someone who lets you break their heart so many times” he said eventually, but the only reply he got was the slam of the door.

*

Life at the Grimmauld Place was never considered simple; it wasn’t easy to be the eldest child of Pollux Black and it wasn’t easy to be the only girl in the house full of spoiled boys, when she was expected to carry the good name of her family for all of them.

It wasn’t easy to forget that the man she’s supposed to marry is her cousin. It wasn’t easy to remember that the baby she’s holding so close to her heart is the heir of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black and needs a firm hand, when this little boy smiled at her so lovely; when his eyes were so similar to the ones she saw every day in the mirror.

Bleak walls of Grimmauld Place and its heavy curtains had always been making it easier to forget about things like that; about her son’s doll-like eyes and his little fists trying to grab her long fingers.

Still, it wasn’t easy to be head of the family the night she burned out the name of her eldest from old tapestry, nor was it easy to be a mother when she got the message about her youngest son’s death.

Walburga Black had never considered her life simple but recently she found out that when you stay at Grimmauld Place, you shouldn’t even think of a peaceful death.

Her son’s pathetic howling was coming to her through the dark corridors, taking the same old way it took all the past evenings and nights. Staying firmly on her blemished canvas Walburga could almost imagine black haired man trying to hide face in his bony hands.

“How could you even think it was me?! How could you believe…”

“What was I supposed to believe then?” Remus couldn’t bring himself to scream. He burned with the weakening, irrational rage he couldn’t stop anymore. Sorrow and weariness that made him fight for the last months, now were only fueling the cruel, cold tone of his voice. “Everyone thought it was you.”

“I didn’t care about everyone, Moony,” there was something more hiding behind Sirius’ weepy voice besides surrender, yet Remus couldn’t care less - in that moment, it was too easy for him to assuage his own suffering with the other man’s pain. “I didn’t want everyone. I’ve always wanted you…”

Voices coming from the ground floor eventually started to fade and the only sound that could still be heard down the corridor was the clinking of glasses on the kitchen table. 

Walburga Black still couldn’t remember how it felt to be sorry for somebody.

*

The bottle of whisky clinked one more time when he put it on the table. He frowned at the sound of it echoing around the empty corridors; it felt like that way every room in this damned house could hear his misery. He couldn’t help but think how many more glasses would it take to wake up every ghost from the cellar. Somewhere in the darkness, the portrait of twisted, old witch pretended to be asleep.

Just a week earlier there would be two glasses knocking on the table; sometimes they would sing with their ringing voices while greeting each other with gentle touches, sometimes they would scream, glasses shattering against the wall. Eventually they would go silent only for two other raised voices to rush to replace them.

Wizard glanced with utter distaste at the old furniture surrounding him. He felt almost jealous of calmness and stoicism which was their only reaction to the loss he’s been sharing with them. His eyes shifted from the faded tapestry full of burned holes to the scratched mirror.

He looked right into his own reflection’s mocking eyes almost hidden behind the empty chair on the other side of the table.

“Where did your will to fight go, Remus?” the reflection asked.

Lupin looked hard into the dark eyes in front of him, scanned its soulless smile. Words came to him before he could think about answer he gave but hearing his own voice, he was sure it didn’t belong to him anymore.

“Right where you buried Sirius Black.”


End file.
